Resource Friday. From an outside perspective, love can look identical to enabling. The reason being that both come from wanting someone to be okay. The difference is not in the intention, but the outcome.
What Enabling Actually Means
The American Psychological Association defines enabling as situations where a person contributes in some way to another person’s continued harmful behavior, in many cases without realizing it. And in addiction this usually means softening, or removing altogether, the consequences of substance use.
Examples of enabling can look like paying someone’s rent so they don’t face eviction. Calling in sick for a loved one so they don’t lose their job. Or simply making excuses so substance use stays in the shadows. Each may feel like a protective moment, but they all just delay the moment of facing the consequences of use. And consequences very often motivate change.
Why Enabling Is So Common
Enabling someone they love is never anyone’s goal. Many enable loved ones simply because the alternative seems untenable. The fears lying underneath the most enabling behavior (homelessness, job loss, legal issues, and overdose) are all real. But when the choice comes down to enabling and catastrophe, enabling wins out nearly every time.
Guilt is not a useful measure of if you’re doing the right thing. And setting boundaries may feel terrible in the moment, but boundaries are the most supportive choice in the long run.
What Support Looks Like Instead
The better support outlook means helping in ways that bolster the recovery path without removing accountability. In practice, it looks quite different from enabling in specific, definitive ways:
- Be direct about encouraging treatment, rather than avoiding it to keep the peace
- Be honest about how someone’s substance use is affecting you and your relationship with them
- Set clear, consistent boundaries and follow through when they are crossed
- Let consequences happen, don’t absorb or soften them
- Get your own support, whether through therapy, a support group, or a family program
None of this means withdrawing love or enabling walking away. It simply means supportive care will not stand in the way of any consequences that will lead someone in the direction of getting help.
An Evidence-Based Approach: CRAFT
Community Reinforcement and Family Training (known as CRAFT) is one evidence-based approach in recovery. The structured, research-supported model teaches families specific skills for encouraging a loved one to seek treatment without confrontation or enabling. Also, it has shown better engagement outcomes than approaches that are more traditional and confrontational. One of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes in treatment, SAMHSA has found, lies within family involvement. This, however, is only when the level of involvement is informed and structured, rather than reactive.
If You Are Not Sure Where the Line Is
There are some things to ask yourself when you’re in the moment to ensure you’re being supportive, rather than enabling. Here are a few things:
- Is this something they are capable of doing themselves?
- Is this action preventing either of us from struggling?
- Would I be okay telling their treatment provider about this conversation?
- Am I supporting their recovery, or just making today easier?
If you are unsure of any of these answers, you may want to consider working with a therapist or a family program focused on addiction recovery. They may be able to help you sort through specific situations, rather than going alone.
More Resources for Families
Here are several other areas to look through, depending on your needs:
- Al-Anon Family Groups — peer support specifically for friends and family of someone struggling with alcohol use, with meetings across Wisconsin under Area 61
- The CRAFT Approach via Partnership to End Addiction — a plain-language overview of CRAFT and how to find a trained CRAFT provider
- SAMHSA’s Family Support Guide — a free, short downloadable guide for families supporting a loved one with a mental health or substance use condition
- Wisconsin county human services directory — find the human services department for your specific county, including family support and referral programs
The Bottom Line
Giving your full support to a loved one while being mindful to not enable them might be one of the hardest things to learn how to do. That may just be because things can feel less loving in the moment than they actually are. If you are working through this with someone you care about, we can help you navigate through these real challenges. Contact us through our webform, or call 262-701-7257 and we’ll get back to you.