Thoughtful Thursday. Numbers are all around Recovery. Days sober. Number of months in a program. Relapse occurred X many years ago. The numbers can matter, but they often invite comparisons that rarely help anyone.
Where the Comparison Trap Comes From
Shared experiences fill recovery spaces. People at different stages are often in the same meeting, group, and online communities rooms. And that closeness is incredibly valuable. But it also creates constant opportunities to measure one’s progress with another’s.
Someone in a meeting may have hit a milestone “faster.” Someone may have an “easier” time with cravings. Yet someone else celebrates a five-year chip the same week you’re struggling with day three. Even when no one intends it, the comparison can happen almost automatically.
Why the Comparison Does Not Hold Up
Even when sharing a diagnosis, two people can live two different paths. Substance use history, trauma experiences, and co-occurring conditions can vastly differ. Family involvement, financial stability, and access to support can all differ. Just because there is a faster or smoother path, it does not mean there was more or less effort. Many times it is simply an example of the amount of obstacles in the way.
When it comes to predictions, research consistently shows that engagement and fit predict outcomes more than speed. A sustainable foundation will benefit someone with a slower path more than someone who moves faster with shaky terrain. The strength of what is being built is the most important factor.
What Comparison Actually Costs
Comparing your recovery to anyone’s generally produces two, both unproductive, outcomes. You may feel as though you are failing, thus potentially creating relapse-fueling shame. Or you may feel superior by comparison, breeding overconfidence, which can harm the caution recovery needs.
The only recovery you can actually influence is your own.
What to Measure Against Instead
None of these questions have a scoreboard. That is the point. Recovery measured against your own baseline gives you something comparison never can: an honest, useful answer.
Here are a few more useful questions when thinking about comparing yourself to someone else:
- What is my own definition of progress? And am I further than last month by those standards?
- When it comes to honesty, am I more truthful with others than I used to be?
- Am I building skills I did not have before, even if I still use them imperfectly?
- Is there constant engagement with my recovery, even on hard days?
There is no scoreboard with these questions. Which is exactly the point. Measure recovery against your own baseline because it will give you the honest, useful answer.
The Bottom Line
Your only recovery job is your own recovery. On your own timeline. Comparing your path to others only serves to measure the wrong thing. Additionally it makes you feel worse no matter where the comparison runs. A more useful look is the direction in which you started, not where someone else stands.
Looking for additional thoughts on recovery? Check out last week’s blog with some great recovery questions to ask yourself. Or looking for some community activities to bolster your recovery? Check out WisHope.org’s Community Center Calendars.